Piercing Eyes, Pierced Heart
i really cant take it any longer.
its been 1 year.
1 year and she still looks at me that way.
its like every time she looks at me, i feel like ive offended her in some way.
& that tone when she speaks to me....
more like the only time she speaks to me is when she needs to scold me?
she has never smiled at me.
never talked to me about informal stuff.
never laughed at what i say.
never said bye to me once.
okay, this may all sound childish, but it counts to me.
it makes me feel like i have at least abit of presence.
i really feel like she hates my guts for some reason.
to me, in her eyes, only good players count.
i feel so small and miserable every time the others seem so comfortable with her.
im sorry if i suck like shit.
so why did you have to choose me?
wouldnt it have been better for BOTH of us if i didnt get in?
you wont have to always be so frustrated
& i wouldnt always have to feel so stressed.
i keep feeling so stressed up by her during trngs and matches,
like i have to try so hard to "please her" so that she wouldnt scold me
or give me that "i look down on you" kinda expression.
im supposed to play FOR ME.
FOR ME TO FEEL HAPPY BECAUSE I LOVE THE SPORT.
if she gives me a compliment on court,
i dont feel "wow, she gave me a compliment"
its more of "omg, thank goodness shes got nth to scold me abt"
if i fumble and not catch passes,
her annoyed look and her scolding just flashes thru my mind like a reflex,
it gets me sooooooo stressed & i fumble even more.
ive nvr felt like this in TP trngs.
i train at ease in TP.
i play with CONFIDENCE in TP.
& i seriously think i play better in TP.
ughhhhhh. so pissed.
i always think im nvr worthy for her to treat me better outside trng.
WHO IS SHE THAT I HAVE TO MEET HER MARK?
im not gonna care anymore.
i dont need to have any link with her outside of trng.
shes not worth my time to keep stuggling to get her to like me.
i just have to deal with her cos shes my c for the next 6months.
i will 忍!
omg. feel so much better after letting out all the anger.
damn it. my body's gonna grow so much older cos of all the stress.
6 months better pass quickly.
played friendly with British Army(or smth like that) just now.
omg. i thought they're at least of certain standard?
but guess not.
it was kinda boring.
ha. yes, i said the B word.
but its true.
anyhoo, my GS, best of the best.
penalty pass or shot,
she took the ball and aimed at the pole.
but cos she was quite far away from the pole to shoot,
her coach asked her to take a step in.
i think its her first time playing,
so she turned and asked "take a step on which foot?"
so of cos this whole scene took more than 3s & she was blown for held ball.
that poor girl. she was so confused!
i just stared at her in shock.
i thought her coach would at least teach her that very basic step!
but nooooooooo. so i took the ball happily & passed it on :D
ohwell, time to watch an ep of MBLAQ's art of seduction & then head for bed.(:
dots ranted at2:02 AM