Self Mental Torture.
trials today was bad.
not bad,
HORRID.
STUPID.
PATHETIC.
srsly, i have no idea how i could have played soooooo badly.
i dunno why i cldnt concentrate.
i cldnt think how to play the game properly.
i cldnt hold my player to one side.
i cldnt catch up with my player.
i cldnt do my quick recovery though i kept pushing myself to do it.
i dont know why i cldnt do all these things though i can do them during trng.
its like i forgot everything when trials started.
do you know how sucky that feeling is?
you worked SO HARD.
you know you've IMPROVED SO MUCH.
yet you cldnt show it because it all got lost to dunno whr.
& so 5 quarters all ended up disastrous.
i tried positive thoughs on myself for the first 3 quarters.
by the time i reach the 4th, i had no more mental strength left.
i just cldnt do it anymore.
no more strength to push myself to carry on.
the evil thoughts just rushed in like a tsunami hitting land.
it was srsly mental torture.
i had such a hard time playing & controlling my emotions at the same time,
i felt like screaming my head off.
i took 1 FREAKING YEAR to get my confidence up.
even ppl can see that i have more confidence in myself now.
after establishing that, in just 2hrs,
all of it just comes crashing down.
im back to my tiny self again,
telling myself im pathetic & have no skills.
this kills.
i dont have that much time and strength to build my confidence up again.
i want it all back in a flash.
but i know that's impossible.
i've lost it all. ALL. tonight. SIGH.
watching other ppl play today made me feel worse abt myself.
example:
i was watching Cheryl come out of the semi-circle to try and tip the ball.
it looked so effortless, a light tip, & the ball left the person's hand.
i felt like i work like shit, but yet i cldnt even touch the ball once.
how can this be?
where did all my skill go?
i felt like i was possessed by someone who just started playing netball 2weeks ago.
WHAT. THE. NETBALL.
pathetic.
& i thought i cld find comfort in eating Ben&Jerry's.
but i guess its against me as well.
it melted all over my table and my legs.
and then i walked out of my room, not realising my heel had it too.
so my whole room's ice-creamed.
so frustrating.
im gonna curl up & cry myself to sleep.
i wish i could get a hug now.
i wish it could come from him
his smile's suffice for now.
dots ranted at11:51 PM